All That I'm Living For
by dreamer.dancer.writer
Summary: Jeff is broken. His dad is homophobic and abusive, he self harms and starves himself. He thinks he just isn't good enough. But can a certain brunette Warbler save Jeff before it's too late and Jeff is beyond the point of being fixed.
1. Chapter 1

**_A/N whilst avoiding revision, this little plot bunny came to me and wouldn't go away. So here we are. An angsty Niff fic :D my favourite. Hope you enjoy this, it will obviously be continued and the next chapter will be up ASAP._**

**_Trigger warnings: self harm, self hatred, abuse and a slight reference to an eating disorder you may possibly miss._**

**_Disclaimer: i don't own anything you recognise. Hello, if i did would I really be writing this?_**

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"Worthless fag"

The sharp words bit through Jeff once again and he flinched away from the one uttering them.

"Someone like you doesn't deserve to live and be happy" with that, Jeff's dad aimed a strong kick at his sons side and he left the room, shouting insults over his shoulder as he went.

Jeff waited until he heard footsteps go down the stairs before curling up into a ball on his side and letting the tears which had been threatning to fall for the past two hours run down his cheeks. He _hurt. _Not only physically from the beating he'd just endured, but mentally and emotionally. It was getting to him, the past five years of being constantly beaten and called degrading, derogatry names. Jeff was slowly starting to tire of his life and having to live with a homophobic, abusive dad as well as the bullies that taunted him whenever he left the sanctuary of his school.

He wasn't planning on ending it though. At least, not yet. There was something in Jeff that wanted to keep going, suffer through the beatings and insults, wake up each morning and somehow get through the day. Jeff laughed bitterly, the action making him wince as a sharp pain shot through his side. Jeff was deluding himself. He knew exactly why he kept waking up everyday, didn't let himself starve, didn't let himself cut that little bit too deeply. It had a lot to do with a certain brunette Warbler.

His best friend. Nick Duval. Jeff and Nick had been best friends since meeting in a park at the tender age of 6. They'd been inseperable ever since. Best friends, partners in crime, pranking buddies. They kept the whole of Dalton Academy on it's toes with their antics. They always told each other everything, had never kept secrets.

That is, until now. But Jeff just couldn't tell Nick about the crush he had on him, tell him about his abusive father and the fact that he cut. He just couldn't. Nick would be crushed and Jeff would ruin everything. Well, ruin everything more than he had already. To be perfectly honest though, Jeff wasn't even sure why Nick was friends with him. Nick was everything Jeff wasn't. He was tall, had a great body, was popular, fantastic hair, no spots or blemishes, was devastatingly handsome, really sporty and always had the best grades, was a phenomenal singer, as well as being one of the kindest, most geunine people Jeff knew. And he was straight.

Jeff on the other hand...well Jeff knew no body would ever want him. He was the complete opposite of Nick's perfection. He was fat, short, was only friends with the Warblers and even then he wasn't really friends with any of them apart from Blaine and perhaps Wes, David, Thad and Trent, his hair always looked crap, he was the ugliest guy he knew, was more nerdy than sporty, still managed to flunk most of his classes, couldn't sing or dance well no matter how hard he tried and how many hours he devoted to dance class and he was gay. Worse still, he was gay and had a massive, hopeless crush on his (straight) best friend.

Jeff hated himself.

With those thoughts running through his mind, Jeff stretched and got up. Walking to the bathroom he caught a glimpse of himself and sighed in despair. He looked even worse than usual. Shaking his head and closing his eyes, Jeff blindly reached out for the razor he kept in the cabinet and brought it down to the pale, scarred skin at his wrists. Slashing numbly over and over again, Jeff reveled in the pain and release that always made him feel better. After about ten or fifteen minutes, he stoppedm starting to feel dizzy from bloodloss. It was the longest he'd ever cut for today and it felt good. Jeff almost wished he could cut and cut until he fell into a black oblivion and didn't have to deal with his life anymore. But...Nick. It would break the talented singer.

Letting the razor slip from his weak grasp, Jeff leant back against the cool wall behind him and sighed happily as he felt the pain ebb away and the familiar feeling of peace and relief wash over him. The rest of his life might be crap, but Jeff was just glad he still had this release, and that it allowed him to feel peaceful and happier, even if only for an hour or two.

Jeff stared at his bloody wrist and let his mind drift to thoughts of Nick. Jeff smiled, knowing he'd see Nick in a few hours when he'd finally cleaned up and headed to school.

But first, he'd stay where he was and sleep for a bit. He was so tired and everything felt so heavy...

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_**A/N please don't hate me. It killed me writing Jeff this broken, but I promise it will get better. Review and stick with me, we'll get to the Niff fluff eventually :D**_


	2. Chapter 2

_**A/N yay new chapter quickly :D bit of a longer one this time too:) thank you to everyone who has reviewed, favourited, alerted or even just read already. I love you all. Next update tomorrow hopefully.**_

_**Triggers: mention of self harm, reference to an eating disorder, angst, beatings, the usual happy bunch.**_

_**Disclaimer: if you could buy the rights to Glee with 20p, which is all the money in the world I have right now, I'd be right there. But you can't. So therefore Glee is not mine.**_

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Jeff awoke to the sound of his phone blaring into the silence of his room. Blinking sleepily, he quickly got up from the floor, wincing as the sore muscles cramped from sitting in the bathroom all night pulled. He stumbled into his bedroom to find the phone, cursing it under his voice the whole way. Glacing hastily round the room, he soon located the vibrating brick on his bedside table. Jeff quickly grabbed it and pressed the answer call button.

"Hello?" he mumbled into the phone.

"Hello? Jeff, where the hell are you man?" the familiar voice of Nick floated down the line and jerked Jeff out of his sleepy haze slightly.

"Nick? I'm still at home, where else would I be in the morning?" he asked, confused.

"Jeff man, it isn't morning. You should be at school mate. Are you ill or something? If you are it's fine, I'll go tell someone or something, it's just that the teachers are starting to wonder where you are...?"

"Wait, what?" Jeff shot a glance at the clock on his bedside table and groaned internally when he saw the time. 12:08pm. He should've been at school hours ago. He suddenly became aware of Nick's voice coming down the line.

"-eff? Jeff you still there? Ah crap, you are sick aren't you. I should've known, it's alri-" Jeff cut off Nick.

"Nah I'm fine. Just overslept. I'll be at school in fourty five minutes, an hour tops." Jeff told his best friend quickly, already moving to clear up the mess in the bathroom.

"Cool. See you soon" with that Nick hung up and Jeff was left facing a bathroom floor that was pretty much completely red. He groaned. He hadn't realised how much blood he'd lost. No wonder he'd slept for so long. Never mind. It was done now. On auto-pilot, going through the well rehearsed motions, Jeff moved to grab the cloth in the sink and started to clean.

Ten minutes later, the bathroom was spotless and Jeff was in the shower. He hissed slightly as the water cascaded over the new cuts, but gritted his teeth and bore it. It was nothing he couldn't handle. In fact, this pain almost felt as good as cutting. Not in the same way, like the pain of actually digging the razor into his skin, but a different way. A good way. It reminded him he was still alive, he could still feel. Jeff sighed. _Face it _he told himself. _You're totally screwed up. No ones ever gonna want you. Especially not Nick. Gorgeous, handsome, amazing, popular, straight Nick._

Jeff let a few lone tears fall as he shut off the water, dried and got dressed. Standing in front of the mirror, he attempted to do something with the blonde mess he called hair whilst simultaneously putting back up his strong, careful, unbreachable masks and walls.

Soon enough he was done and stepped back to examine himself. _Well you might be ugly and fat and look horrendous in that outfit, but at least it's no different to usual. No ones gonna notice anything. Or care enough to look hard enough to notice something. But just look at that fat bulging over the top of your jeans. No food for you today fatty._

Jeff smiled slightly as he left the room. He was okay. He was strong. No one was going to notice how messed up he was. Not even Nick. Jeff was too good at putting up masks and walls. In fact, he couldn't remember the last time he'd left the house, or even his bedroom without guarding his emotions and putting up a wall to block everyone else out. This was good though. This meant Jeff was strong. He also couldn't remember the last time he'd eaten. But that didn't matter. He was fat enough as it was. He didn't need food, that would just make the situation worse. Yes, Jeff was strong.

Jeff was still smiling as he descended the last few stairs and walked straight into his father, who immediately drew back his hand and slapped his son across the face. Jeff fell to the floor, banging his head on the wall as his father opened his mouth to begin his morning abuse.

"Hey fag, where are you off to? That gay school of yours? And what were you smiling about? Fags like you don't get to smile" his father ended the beginning of his tirade with a kick to Jeff's alredy bruised side. Jeffs face immediately closed off and he turned his head to face the wall, trying desperately not to cry.

"Morning dad. Yes, I'm off to school. Can I please leave?" Jeff pleaded quietly with his father, trying to keep his voice steady.

"Not yet homo. I've been cooped up in the house all morning and I feel like I need to beat up a fag. And would you look at that. I have one at my feet. How convinient" with that his father began to lay into Jeff, kicking and punch every part of his body available. Jeff just lay there and took it. He knew from experiance it would be a bad idea to try and fight back.

After what felt like hours, but was really only around twenty minutes, he was finished. Spitting in Jeffs face, he laughed cruelly and walked away. Jeff lay still for a few minutes, taking inventory of his body and working out what hurt worse. Luckily, nothing was broken, but everything was sore and he'd have a few nice bruises to add to those already forming. Bruises he could handle though. They would stay hidden under his uniform.

Which now he'd thought of it, he realised he had to get to school. Nick would be expecting him. Jeff stood up slowly, wincing as everything hurt that extra bit more. He shook his head, trying to shake off the pain. He had to be strong and make it through the schoolday, before he could come home to his razor. That thought in mind, Jeff headed out of the door to his car, trying not to break down.

It was hard though, not to break down. Jeff made it halfway to school before he had to pull the car over and rest his head against the wheel, tears streaming hard down his face. He hated his life. Hated it. He hated his dad for being an ignorant, homophobic , abusive bastard. He hated his mother for just ignoring it. He hated the world for the fact that it just couldn't accept the fact that yes, two guys could love each other. It was love. What was so wrong with that? He just wanted to end it all. But he couldn't. He only had a few more years left at home and then he'd be gone. And he couldn't hurt Nick like that. Could he? If things carried on the way they were, he'd have no choice. If things didn't change, Jeff simply wouldn't be able to carry on. Merely cutting wouldn't be good enough. He'd have to slip into the final blackness he'd been so close to several times before. He didn't really want to. But he'd have to. He could see no other solution. There was no other solution. He trembled. He really really wanted his razors, but they were back at home.

Jeff buried his head in his hands and wept, thoughts of how much he hated himself, his life, his parents, and himself running round his head, wanting his razors more and more every minute.

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_**A/N again, please don't hate me too much. This is an angst filled story, but we will get to some lovely Niff bits :D **_

_**Reviews would be utterly fantastic.**_


	3. Chapter 3

_**A/N yay new chapter :D i have a confession to make guys, after this one i honestly don't know when I'll be able to update because, as you may know if you live in the UK, right now it is exam period. But in two weeks i will have basically finished school and will have stupid amounts of free time :) so please bear with me in the next two weeks, i will make it up to you.**_

_**Trigggers: self harm, self hatred, mention of an eating disorder, stupid homphobic idiots, homophobic insults.**_

_**Disclaimer: i dont own anything you recognise.**_

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Jeff stood outside of the imposing oak doors that led into the main building on the Dalton campus and took a deep breath. His internal babbles started up again._ What are you doing Jeff, you look like shit and you have red puffy eyes, everyones going to know you've been crying, what if they ask awkward questions, how are you goin- SHUT UP! _Jeff screamed internally. He shook himself to clear his head, ignoring the strange looks he got from some of the blazer clad boys nearby. _You're strong, you have your walls up, no one cares enough to notice any things wrong anyway, they'll never notice the bruises and the red eyes, after all why would anyone care about someone like you. C'mon Jeff, stop being a stupid coward. You can do this. _Taking a deep breath, Jeff braced himself and shoved the heavy doors open.

Once inside, he was immediately swept up in a wave of Dalton students moving through the halls to their next lessons. He let himself get carried by the tide, breaking free of the crowd as he reached his French classroom. Shaking his head once more, he went inside.

Jeff managed to get through the last two periods of the day without talking to anybody, as neither Nick nor any of the Warblers were in those two classes. But now he had Warbler rehearsal. It was going to be harder, a lot harder, but Jeff was fairly sure he'd be able to make it through the hour, then escape.

As soon as he set foot inside the choir room, he saw a navy-and-brunette blur fly at him and he was knocked backwards as Nick crashed into him, enveloping him in a massive hug. Jeff winced slightly as Nick inadvertently knocked some of the bruises, but luckily the smaller boy didn't notice.

"Hey Jeff, where have you been? I looked everywhere for you at lunch, I thought you'd be here by then. You said you'd only be an hour tops. And what was with the sleeping in thing? You never sleep in" Nick spoke a mile a minute, still clinging onto the taller blonde.

"Hey Nick, good to see you too. I'm fine, how are you?" Jeff said sarcastically as he broke free of his best friends embrace and led the way over to their usual sofa.

"Oh, sorry man. But I was worried. I thought something had happened" Jeff froze slightly, and then answered in an even tone, hoping Nick hadn't noticed.

"Nah, everythings fine. Just got caught up in some bad traffic" _If only you knew...__  
_

"So why did you sleep in?" Jeff froze again, desperately trying to think of a good reason. Luckily, Wes banged his gavel just then and the babble of noise in the room immediately quietened. _Thank you Wes and your obession with gavels and order and schedules. _Jeff smiled slightly, the smile fading as he caught sight of the 'we'll talk about this later' look on Nick's face. Jeff groaned. He didn't want to talk about it later. He didn't want to talk about it ever.

The hour passed slowly, Jeff struggling with everything they tried to do. Honestly, he didn't even know why he was still in the Warblers. He struggled with even the simplest step touch routine. He just couldn't get it perfect. For Nick. Perhaps if he was perfect, Nick would want him. No, he wasn't that stupid. Nick would never want him. Not while he was fat and ugly and spotty and not perfect.

Jeff could feel tears threatning to fall and he blinked rapidly. Not here. Not now. He glanced quickly at the clock. Five minutes. Just five short minutes and then he could go home to the pain and release his razors gave him. Just five minutes.

As soon as David dismissed the Warblers, congratulating them on a good rehearsal, Jeff bolted. He knew the others would stay behind in the choir room for a bit, just talking before they went home or to their dorms, but Jeff couldn't stand to be in there for a second longer than he had to.

He could hear Nick calling after him, asking where he was going, but he ignored his best friends cries. He had to get home before he broke down.

Jeff knew he'd probably broken every speed limit on his reckless drive home but he didn't care. He needed to be in his bathroom now. But turning into his driveway, he caught sight of five hooded teenagers sat on the low wall outside of his house. Perfect. Just perfect.

As he got out of the car, the older boys jumped up off the wall and walked up to him. Jeff backed up against his car, surrounded.

"Look boys, it's that posh fairy from the gay school" one of them jeered.

"Hey fag, how many cocks have you sucked recently?" another one taunted.

"Thats the only thing a homo like you is good for" a third sneered. Jeff could feel himself starting to break. _Not now, wait until you get inside._

But it was no use. Tears were starting to slip from underneath Jeffs closed eyelids. _No no no _he chanted fruitlessly. His tormenters noticed the tears.

"Aw, look at that boys, the fairy's crying"

"Do you need to run to mommy queer freak?"

"Ah, he does look. The faggot needs to run crying to his precious mommy"

The taunts continued and each one bit at Jeff viciously. He stared at the ground, concentrating on counting the stones, trying to ignore the insults being chucked at him.

Eventually the boys got bored and moved off, leaving Jeff slumped against his car. He slowly slid down it and sat on the ground. He hated them. He hated them he hated them HE HATED THEM. He just couldn't get away from the constant taunts and insults and snide remarks. School was the only place he was safe. But Nick was at school. And no matter how hard he tried Jeff would never be good enough for the talented brunette and it wasn't fair. It killed Jeff inside everytime his friend hugged him, or spoke to him, or even just looked athim, because Jeff was in love with his perfect best friend and no one could ever know. Ever.

After a few minutes Jeff stood up and ran into the house, ignoring the greeting of his mother. She didn't sound too drunk yet, but Jeff knew that would change. She'd been getting drunk everyday for the past six years now. Jeff was used to it.

He bolted up the stairs and breezed into his bathroom, barely stopping to shuck his blazer off and drop his schoolbag somewhere in the middle of the school. It was more than a want to cut. It was a need. Jeff needed the relief and release cutting gave him. It was the same sort of release that singing and dancing had. But that had stopped as soon as Jeff realised how he just wasn't perfect, and a fat dancer wasn't something anyone wanted. Now, cutting was the only thing that made him feel better.

Jeff grabbed his razor and slowly, methodically made cut after cut on the skin at his wrist. It wasn't like the frenzied cutting of yesterday. No, this was more deliberate, and Jeff stopped after every one to savour the feeling washing over him. Eventually, his wrist and hand turned to red and bloodied for Jeff to see where to cut properly and he knew it was time to stop. He rested for a few minutes, letting the feeling dissipate before he got up and cleaned off the razor, his wrists and the floor, and bandaged the cuts.

There. Now he could deal with whatever life wanted to throw at him this evening. And this evening was lined up to be a good one. He knew his mother was downstairs, getting hammered and so she wouldn't bother him. Not that she did anyway. Jeff wasn't even sure if his mother was even aware she had a son anymore. And Jeff knew his dad had gone away on a business trip that afternoon and wouldn't be back till the following night, so he was safe.

Jeff smiled and walked over to his desk. He was going to focus on making himself more perfect that evening. First he was going to study and finish his homework, in an attempt to make his grades as good as Nicks. And then he was going to practice the songs they were singing in Warbler rehearsals, so he was perfect and wouldn't mess up and annoy Nick and the others any more. And then he was going to go to dance class and work harder than he'd ever worked before. That way, he'd be perfect. And most ofall, Jeff wasn't going to eat. Ever again. He'd drink lots of water, and maybe have an apple every two days. But that was it. That way, he'd lose weight and he wouldn't be fat anymore and maybe he'd be more perfect and then maybe, just maybe, Nick might start wanting him.

Jeff grinned. He was going to be perfect.

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_**A/N so hope you enjoyed that, as much as you can. Our Jeffy is braking, slowly and surely more and more. In the next few chapters he will break completely and then Nick will notice and start fixing him the way it is meant to be. But Jeff isn't finished breaking yet, so bear wih me :) **_

_**Also, as you may have noticed, I'm english and therefore have no idea how the american school system works. I would be grateful if anyone could help me out so i dont get things wrong and tell me other things about everyday american life, such as shops, types of foods etc. Also, please point out any mistakes i make with the language and that because its really hard to keep remembering to type things like 'mom', or 'candy' or 'vacation' :L**_

_**Ooo I have tumblr if you want to come say hello, it's http:/www . tumblr . com/blog/dreamer-dancer-writer (just take out the spaces). i'm still pretty new to tumblr, so have no idea how it works but come find me anyway :D**_

_**Alternatively, come find me on twitter Bethany1D_DV :) ask questions, give me prompts, just talk to me. Whatever :D**_

_**I shall update whenever possible. Reviews would be AMAZING. I love you all.**_


	4. Chapter 4

**_A/N well, it's been a while. Two weeks in fact. But now, finally, I have finished most of my exams and only have two science ones left at the end of June :D I did mean to update on thursday, which was my last day (I HAVE NOW OFFICIALLY FINISHED YEAR 11, AM ON STUDY LEAVE AND NEVER HAVE TO GO BACK TO QE AGAIN. COLLEGE IN SEPTEMBER INSTEAD. WOOOO) but it was an emosh day with lots of feels and then I had ballet and then an exam on friday, so you have this today instead. But now I have the next three months off with nothing to do, so expect frequent updates :) _**

**_Warnings/triggers: homophobia, self harm, eating disorder, the f-bomb, all the usual happy stuff. Please, please don't read if any of this triggers you. I don't want any of my beautiful, kind, amazing readers to hurt themselves, I love you all. Btw, if you are in a dark place and need to talk to someone, either PM me or come find me on tumblr/ twitter. I'm dreamer-dancer-writer on tumblr and Bethany1D_DV on twitter :)_**

**_Disclaimer: I wish and wish on 11:11 but Glee and anything recognise is not mine._**

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Jeff's alarm clock blared into the oppressing silence of his dark room and his eyes snapped open. Blearily, he rolled over and smacked the off button and glanced at the flashing red numbers. 5:00. Jeff smiled sleepily. He had two and a half hours before he had to leave for school. Two and a half hours in which to work on perfecting himself.

The tall blonde jumped out of bed and grabbed his headphones. Plugging them in, he switched to his favourite work out music and started the gruelling hour long exercise session he'd devised for himself in order to lose weight and gain flexibility and strength. Jeff led his thoughts wonder as he automatically pushed his body through various exercises.

It had been a week since that day at Dalton when Jeff realised he needed to make himself perfect for Nick. Jeff had stuck to his strict training regime, with his hour long workout every morning and then spending at least three hours in the dance studio and an hour in the gym every evening. He'd also stuck to s plans not to eat anything and had managed to survive on endless glasses of water, black coffee, the occasional apple and chewing gum when the hunger pangs got too bad. Slowly, oh so slowly, Jeff could see the pounds start to melt away, but he was still too fat. No one would want him at this weight, which was why he still couldn't eat anything.

He'd also managed to improve his school grades slightly. He spent an hour every morning studying, and spent every evening from when he got home to around midnight/one o'clock doing his homework and making sure he understood what he was doing in every lesson.

Jeff was making himself perfect. And it felt good.

Around two hours later Jeff had finished working out and studying and had jumped in the shower. He let out a deep sigh as the warm water cascaded over his tense back. The shower was Jeff's favourite place. No one would disturb him, no one could see how utterly vile he looked apart from himself and he could cut in peace, with the bonus of it hurting that little bit extra and making the release he felt that little bit stronger. Yes, the shower was a good place. But all too soon he'd washed his hair, body and face and cut a couple times as reminders to be good that day. Jeff sighed. He had to get out and face the real world. Hopefully though, it was too early for his father to be up.

Jeff spoke too soon. His father burst into the room in a drunken rage just as Jeff was applying product in his hair and styling it the way Nick like it. Jeff met his fathers angry eyes in the mirror and started to tremble. He'd be going to school with several new bruises today.

"Hey, fag, styling your hair for someone special?" his father slurred tauntingly. Jeff merely froze, one hand in his hair and tried to speak with out showing his terror.

"N-no father" he said politely, with the utmost respect in his voice. His father hated it if he spoke to him without this respect. Jeff had learnt that the hard way.

"Good job. No one would want a fat, ugly fairy like you. Not even your mother loves you. She drowns her sadness at having such a failure of a son in that blasted bottle. It's your fault she's this way. And now it's your fault that bitch went and fucking drunk all my bloody alcohol" as his father delivered this speech, Jeff watched him come closer and closer, getting angrier and angrier until he was punctuating every word in his last couple sentences with a punch to Jeff's face and torso. "What do you have to say for yourself faggot?"

Jeff cast his eyes to the ground and muttered an apology.

"Speak up, I can't hear you" was shouted at the blonde, accompanied with a punch to the chest. Jeff muttered another apology, this one slightly louder.

"I still can't fucking hear you" this time the words were spat at him and Jeff was pushed off of his chair onto the floor. He whimpered slightly as his head cracked against the ground. "Apologise so I can hear you fag" a foot descended hard onto his ribs and Jeff could hear a crack as pain flared up in his chest.

The tears started to fall as he choked out a loud apology.

"I'm sorry father. I'm sorry I've been such a disappointment to you. I'm sorry I've never been good enough and that you have to put up with such an ugly, worthless son. I'm sorry that I made mother this way. I never meant to hurt her" the tears started falling thicker and faster and the older man sneered at his son. Spitting in his face, he delivered one final kick to Jeff's already painful side.

"You'll always be fat and worthless and you always have been, how can you say you never wanted to hurt her when you've hurt her everyday for the past 10 years. I can't stand to see you anymore fag, have a good day at school. Don't disturb me, I don't want to see your face until I come looking for it, don't want to be reminded of my failure of a son. Goodbye fag" with that, Jeff's father breezed out of the door.

Jeff laid on the floor until he felt the pain in his ribs was more manageable. The blonde knew they were broken, he'd broken them before and he knew he was just going to have to deal with the pain. No matter, he'd still dealt with worse and he just had to make sure Nick or the other Warblers didn't notice. That would be disastrous. Out of the corner of his eye, Jeff spotted the time on his clock.

Shit. He had to leave or he'd never make it to school in time for first period. Carefully he stood up, assessing the pain. Bad, really bad, but just about manageable. Taking one last glance in the mirror at his appearance (awful, but that was nothing new) he walked out of the house and to his car, clutching his bag in one hand and his ribs in the other. Just breath Jeffrey he reminded himself.

Jeff made it to lunch before the pain in his ribs got really really bad. He sat down next to Nick at lunch, wincing as the pain shot through his sides, involuntarily letting out a squeak of pain. Nick glanced at him, alarmed.

"Jeff, Jeffy what's wrong?" his best friend asked with genuine concern. Jeff knew there was no point in lying. Nick would be able to tell. No, it was better to bend the truth slightly.

"I, er, fell down a couple steps on the way to school and bruised my ribs slightly. It's nothing, promise"

"Jeff, it's not nothing, not if you're in pain. Perhaps you shouldn't go to Warbler rehearsal or the studio later" Jeff's eyes flew open.

"No, no, it's not that bad. I can't miss a rehearsal. Wes would kill me with his gavel. And I promised I'd help David with his choreo later. I have to go"

"But Jeff, you're in pain. Wes and David will understand"

"No Nick, I'm going to Warbler rehearsal, and then I'm going to the studio and then the gym" Nick sighed, knowing there was no point in arguing any further. Jeff was stubborn when he wanted to be.

"Okay, okay. Just take it easy yeah. For me" Nick sighed out.

"Course Nicky" Jeff couldn't not promise, if this was for Nick. There was silence for a few minutes as Nick shovelled in food and Jeff sipped from his water bottle. Then Nick looked at his plate, then at the empty table in front of Jeff and frowned.

" Aren't you going to eat anything?" he asked curiously.

"Nah, I ate a big breakfast" lies. All lies.

"C'mon man, you have to eat something. You'll waste away" Nick playfully prodded Jeff in the side and the blonde flinched away, not wanting Nick to feel how fat he was. Nick frowned in confusion.

"Touched a bruise" was all Jeff offered as an explanation, but realisation and guilt dawned in Nick's eyes.

"God, sorry man, I forgot"

"S'okay" the rest of lunch was spent in companionable silence, Nick eating and reading a book, Jeff drinking and studying. Soon, the bell rang for the afternoon and Nick jumped up, dragging his friend with him.

" LETS GO TO FRENCH" the brunette warbler cheered and bounded off, Jeff in tow. The blonde ran after his friend, trying not to show how much pain he was in. It was going to be a long day, but Jeff was determined to do everything he normally did. He couldn't have a day off in his attempts to make himself perfect. He couldn't, otherwise he'd never be perfect and he'd always be a failure. Jeff smiled slightly. He was strong, and he could get through this.

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_**A/N hope you enjoyed that as much as you could. Jeff will soon be completely broken and then I shall get Nick to start fixing him and all will be well in Niff land. Wooooo**_

**_Update soooon, tomorrow if you're lucky :)_**

**_Reviews would be amazing darling readers (by the way, the response to this fic has been amazing, so many alerts. Some of you have also favourite authored me which is just the biggest praise. However, it would be nice to see a few more reviews...)_**

I LOVE YOU ALL.


	5. Chapter 5

_**A/N so yeah. Did mean to update this yesterday but life and the Queens Diamond Jubilee weekend took over :L I was at this party my village threw all afternoon and then watched the concert in the evening. Jolly good fun. Made me rather proud to be British :D**_

_**So anyway, new chapter. Rather short, but it wanted to end there. I'll update tomorrow to make up for it's shortness :P not too sure if this chapter works, but hey. I'd love your views on it. (wink wink nudge nudge)**_

_**Triggers: erm, none this chappie. Just angst and pain and Niffness :)**_

_**Disclaimer: the wonderful program that is Glee and all it contains is not mine, it belongs to the fantastic Ryan Murphey and Fox :)**_

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Jeff made it through the rest of the day without much trouble. No one other than Nick had noticed he was in pain, but that was probably all about to change. Knowing Jeff's luck, they'd end up doing a dancy number, like Misery or Raise Your Glass. If they did that, there was no way he'd be able to get through the number without collapsing in pain, as his ribs had got worse throughout the day.

He sighed. There was no point in prolonging the inevitable. He trudged along the corridor to the alcove where he always met Nick before Warbler rehearsal, and found the brunette Warbler engrossed in his sheet music. He cleared his throat to warn his friend. Nick looked up at him in suprise.

"Oh, hey Jeffy. You ready to go?" he smiled.

"Yeah. Whats that Nicky?"

"Oh what, this? Just...the sheet music for the song I want to sing for my next audition" Jeff frowned in confusion. They wouldn't be holding any more auditions now until after sectionals.

"This early 3?" he asked, smiling at the use of the code name.

"Need to get the practice in 6, so kicking Blaine's arse in this next audition" the shorter boy burst into a bout of infectious laughter, that Jeff couldn't help but join in with.

"Yeah, good luck with that one Nicky" Jeff rolled his eyes, knowing his friend really had no chance at a solo. Blaine, as much as he denied it, really was their lead soloist. Jeff did think Nick had a better voice though...but then, he was biased.

"Shh Jeffy. I'm perfectly capable of bagging myself a solo. Look, we're here now" the two boys entered the Warbler practice room and took seats at their favourite sofa. As soon as they sat down, Wes banged his gavel.

"This meeting is called to order" the head council member announced importantly. Jeff and Nick sniggered. Wes was one of their best mates...outside of Warbler rehearsal. In the rehearsals he was so pompous and different to the normal happy go lucky Wes. "We don't have that much to discuss today, but we need to get these songs perfected. I think we'll practice both Misery and Bills Bills Bills today" Jeff sighed. He knew this would happen. He just had to get through it without showing how much pain he was in...easier said than done. Right now, breathing hurt.

Nick noticed the slight look of pain on his best friends face and nudged him gently in the side.

"Hey Jeff, you sure your gonna be okay man?" he asked, concern lacing his voice. Jeff nodded tightly.

"I'm sure dude. Now lets go take our places" Jeff stood up and made his way to his position for Misery, Nick following on behind. Blaine started with the familiar 'oh yeah' and they were off.

Jeff made it through Misery and half of Bills Bills Bills before the pain started to become too unbearable. His breathing became heavier and he started to bend double in pain. He managed to struggle through a couple more bars before stopping and, clutching his side, he hobbled to the edge of the room, face drawn tight in pain. Nick was immediately at his side, aiding him and he could hear the rest of the group had stopped.

"Warbler Jeff, are you okay?" came Davids voice. Nick turned round and snapped at the council member.

"Of course he's not bloody okay David, any fool could see that" Nick and David argued back and forth for a few moments, but all Jeff could focus on was keeping his balance and not letting the pain take over. Suddenly Nicks voice broke through, more worried than before.

"Jeff man, I think you should sit down. You really don't look good...you've gone all pale and shit" Jeff nodded, but that slight movement was too much and he collapsed onto the floor, writhing in pain. Nick fell to his knees beside him, someone (Blaine maybe) joining him, already calling an ambulance. Jeff felt terror wash through him at this realisation.

"No...no...ambulance" he managed to choke out. Nick just looked at him with bright, tear filled eyes.

"Jeffy, you need to go to the hospital. They'll make it better" Jeff felt tears start to slip from his eyes at the thought of going to hospital. Nick gently gathered him in his arms and hugged him close.

"Shhh 6, you'll be fine. Nothings going to happen" Jeff relaxed into his friends embrace. Nothings gonna happen...showed how much Nick knew. But for now...Jeff was in so much pain. He closed his eyes and let himself fall into the blackness that had threatened to encompass him all day. He could hear Nick shouting for him to stay awake, but Jeff didn't care anymore. The blackness was so peaceful and pain free. Jeff never wanted to leave it. Nicks voice faded away as the dark took over.

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_**A/N hope you enjoyed that oh wonderful readers.**_

_**Reviews would be lovely, and would provide much inspiration. And inspiration means fast updates :D**_

_**Also (shameless plugging time) I'm working on a couple of Glee oneshots. It would be fab if you went and checked them out later...**_

_**As always, my tumblr is dreamer-dancer-writer and my twitter is Bethany1D_DV if you fancy following me and chatting to me/giving me prompts/whatever :)**_

_**Review?**_

_**I LOVE YOU ALL.**_


	6. Chapter 6

**_A/N YAY new chapter. A day late, but once again actual life got in the way of fanfic writing :L Also, this chapter was a real bitch to write. I have been writing it a lot over the past few days, but it hasn't gone the way I wanted it to, and there was writing and rewriting and editing and deleting and crying. Not actually, but there was lots of head desking. Head desks full of despair and desperation. It wasn't pretty. But I finished it and now the plot bunnies have hit and I'm just about to launch into feverishly writing the next chapter, so it should be up soon. YAY FOR QUICK UPDATES._  
**

**_Triggers: none this chapter I don't think...slight mention of self harm perhaps, but nothing too bad._**

**_Disclaimer: Clearly, I don't own Glee. That honour goes to RIB. YAY FOR RIB. I do however, own season 1&2 on box set and that's good enough for me._**

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When Jeff started to come out of the blackness he'd fallen into, he groaned internally. Reality hurt. He just wanted to sleep again. But his body wouldn't let him do that, so instead he cracked open one eye, and then the other, wincing as the harsh white light invaded his delicate eyes.

"Jeff?" a hopeful voice called softly from beside him. Jeff's frazzled brain had to think for a bit before placing the voice to a name and face...Nick. Of course.

"Nicky?" he croaked out hoarsely. Nick let out a cry of relief, before bending over the bed and clutching the blonde Warbler tightly. Jeff groaned in pain.

"Uh Nick...you're hurting me man" Nick immediately jumped off the bed and stood back, brown eyes swimming with guilt.

"Oh God, I'm so sorry Jeffy, I completely forgot...it's just...you were out for so long and I was so worried...I knew I shouldn't have let you join in with rehearsal, but you said you'd be fine. Shit, I feel so bad Je-" Jeff raised a hand to stop Nick, knowing once the brunette Warbler started he wouldn't stop. Nick immediately fell silent, offering the apology through his eyes instead. Jeff laughed slightly.

"Nick, it's fine man. You didn't know...how long have I been out anyway?" Jeff asked, suddenly alarmed.

"Er, around 6 hours" Nick breathed.

"Shit. You've been here all this time?" Jeff asked, touched that his friend would do that, but feeling guilty at the same time. Nick looked contrite.

"Yeah. I was worried Jeffy. You looked so pale and when you collapsed..." Nick drifted off, lost in his own thoughts. Jeff felt his heart constrict. Nick looked so worried and hurt...Jeff never wanted his friend to feel the pain Jeff did, and vowed never to hurt him again. Just then, another thought hit him.

"Nick, have my parents been called?" he asked, trying not to betray his fear.

"Uh, yeah. I dunno where they are though. Sorry man" Nick shrugged. Jeff tried to smile.

"No worries"

"Shit Jeffy, I should probably go get a nurse or something now you're awake. I'll be right back" with a quick squeeze of Jeffs hand, Nick left the room and Jeff was left alone with his thoughts.

His frantic, terrified thoughts. After the last time Jeff had landed in hospital, his dad had threatened to beat him until he couldn't walk if he ever ended up back there. Hospitals asked questions...awkward questions Jeff could never answer truthfully. Ever. The blonde sighed. The damage was done now, there was nothing he could do but hope the hospital would keep him in overnight, if only to prolong the inevitable pounding his father was sure to deliver the moment he got home.

Jeff's morbid thoughts were interrupted by Nick and a nurse entering the room, followed closely by his parents. Jeff reluctantly met his fathers eye and flinched when he saw the cold, hard expression in them. Yeah...he was in so much trouble.

"Hey Jeff" the nurse greeted kindly. "I'm Nurse Criss. Do you mind if we check you over now you're awake?" Jeff nodded his consent and zoned out as the nurse began to check his vitals.

When she was done she smiled kindly at Jeff.

"Okay, young man. You're doing as well as can be expected. But you do have numerous injuries" Jeff nodded at her to go on. "You have four broken ribs, as well as old breaks and fractures that haven't healed properly. Your skull is fractured slightly and you have moderate, borderline severe concussion. I'm afraid we're going to have to keep you here for a couple days to monitor you. Your parents have agreed, but is it alright with you?"

"Yeah, that's fine" Jeff told her, relieved that he wouldn't be going home straight away. The nurse smiled at him again slightly before becoming more serious.

"However, there are some other...things we've discovered we'd like to ask you about. Would you like your friend to leave the room before we discuss them?" Jeff froze, knowing exactly what she was talking about. They must have found the scars on his arms when they put this stupid hospital gown on him. Jeff thought quickly, before deciding on a plan of action. He couldn't ask Nick to leave the room, that would just look more suspicious. He would just let Nick stay and then lie through his teeth. They had no reason not to believe him.

"Er no. Whatever you have to say can be said in front of him. He's my best friend" Jeff grinned at the brunette Warbler and Nick laughed.

"Okay then" the nurse paused, seemingly reluctant to go on. She took a deep breath. "Well Jeff, how can I say this? You have...cuts all up your arm and I was wondering if you could explain them to me?" Jeff laughed, hoping that it came across as airy and bright and not at all forced.

"What, these old things?" he asked incredulously, displaying his arms. The nurse nodded, lips tights. "Ahh they're nothing. I'm so clumsy, that actually the majority of them are from when I tried to rearrange my bookcase and a load fell on me. The rest are mostly from playing with my friends cat. That things vicious" Jeff laughed, and then held his breath, hoping they'd believed his blatant lie. To Jeff's immense relief, the nurse merely nodded and pursed her lips, his mum shook her head gently and his dad (to no great surprise) looked simply bored. But Nick…Jeff chanced a glance over and flinched. The brunette Warbler looked as though he didn't believe Jeff one bit. Jeff groaned. He'd have to avoid being alone with Nick for a while…his best friend looked like he wanted a serious talk with the blonde. It wasn't that Jeff couldn't lie about it to him, it's that he didn't want to have to lie to the one person who had made life bearable. Jeff knew that if he was left alone to speak to Nick, he'd end up blurting the whole, sad, sorry truth. And he really didn't want that. Jeff zoned back in just in time to catch the tail end of what the nurse was saying.

"….and so Mr and Mrs Sterling, if you'd like to come with me and sign some forms for Jeff's treatment" Jeff groaned. Just what he was hoping to avoid.

"Of course nurse Criss" his mum replied politely. _Huh, she wasn't slurring. _Jeff laughed slightly. It was probably the first time in over five years she'd been sober for over two hours. Perhaps there was some good in this whole experience after all. "Come along Alexander, you'll have time to talk to Jeffrey when we come back, before we go home" his dad nodded tersely and left the room, followed by Jeff's mum and the nurse, who shot a parting smile over her shoulder. Jeff took a deep breath, and turned to face Nick.

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_**A/N Sooo...hope you enjoyed that. OOO SLIGHT CLIFFIE. I'm so naughty ;)**_

_**As always, I LOVE YOU GUYS. Seriously, the amount of visitors my little angsty ficcy has got is unbelievable...and the alerts and stuff. However, though this response is lovely, a few more REVIEWS would be nice. Just sayin' ;)**_

_**Update soooon, have a nice life in the meantime. I'm off to write like a woman possessed and probably head desk a few more times. It happens a lot. No worries.**_

**__**I LOVE YOU GUYS.


	7. Chapter 7

_**A/N yupp. Once again I failed in my plans and this is later. Hey ho. Once again life got in the way, and this is the first time I've had internet since thursday. It's killed me not having internet, but lets not go there.**_

_**This chapter was easier to write, which made me happy. Only a couple of head desks went into this one ;) Lots of Jeff angst and Nick angst and angsty angst! **_

_**Ooo, also, I think I **_**may _write the next chapter from Nickys point of view, to give the outside view on Jeffy and so we see what he feels...I dunno. Please please please review and tell me if that is a good thing to do._**

**_Disclaimer: once again, Glee is not mine, it belongs to the amazing RIB. If it did belong to me, it would be full of the Warblers and Niff and Klaine and Wevid. The new directions and finchel probably wouldn't get a look in...Rory and Joe would also be main characters :P_**

**_I'm just gonna let you read now, i've gone and rambled on too much:P_**

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"Jeff" Nick sighed.

"Nick" Jeff copied in the same tone. Nick just shook his head slightly and looked pained.

"Jeffy…you and I both know that wasn't as a result of books and a cat. None of the Warblers even have a cat. So why lie Jeffy? And why hurt yourself like that?" Nick voice rose higher and higher in desperation, his facial expression changing to one that just looked despaired Jeff's heart broke.

"I'm sorry Nick" he whispered. "I never meant for anyone to find out. I didn't want to hurt you like that"

"But why Jeffy? You know if you have any problems you can come talk to me…I thought that's what best friends are for. To talk to when you feel like you have no one else. I'd always listen to you"

"I know Nicky. And I wanted to talk to you…but I just couldn't. I still can't. I want to tell you everything. But I can't"

"Why not Jeff? Why? I tell you everything…because we're best friends. I tell you everything because I know we're best friends and you'll always be there for me and listen to me. I thought we didn't keep secrets"

"And we didn't" Jeff cried. "It's just…things changed Nicky. Please understand. I wanted to tell you, I did. But I couldn't. You wouldn't understand"

"When did things change Jeff?" Nicks tone changed from despair to anger. "When, huh? I've never kept anything from you, because you're my best friend and you mean everything to me. Clearly I don't mean the same to you, or you'd have spoken to me before now, before you hurt yourself. I thought we were best friends. But now…now I think we're just friends. You can't talk to me because I wouldn't understand? Fine. I won't even try to. I'm going to leave now Jeff, because I don't understand. Just remember, I still will always listen to you. I still consider myself your best friend, even if you don't feel the same way. Goodbye Jeff" Jeff listened to Nicks speech, his heart sinking further and further. This was exactly what he wanted to avoid. But it was done now, and Nick was leaving. Nick was leaving.

"NICK" the blonde Warbler called out desperately after the retreating back of his best friend. "Nick…please" he cried, his voice breaking on the last word. It was no use. The door swung shut behind Nick with a final sounding clunk. Jeff was alone in his room and Nick had gone. Jeff let the feelings of despair and hopelessness take him over and he broke down, loud sobs emanating from his frail body, all thoughts on his conversation with Nick and what he could've done to stop the brunette leaving.

Of course, he could've actually told Nick the truth, but what good would that have done? He'd just have hurt Nick even more and he never, ever wanted to do that. Nick was too good and kind and perfect to be tainted with Jeff's sorry tale. The worst part of it was, Jeff had come so close to just telling Nick everything. And quite frankly, that terrified the blonde. He'd never wanted to tell anyone anything before, so to want to tell the whole thing…it was scary. It was probably why he'd let Nick go without much more fuss. He knew if Nick had stayed he'd tell the whole thing. But Nick's promise to listen, even though he'd gone…now that was interesting. It was almost comforting to Jeff to know his friend would listen, whenever Jeff wanted to talk. That in itself was a strange feeling. Jeff shook his head. It was probably just the pain meds making his head so confused.

Just then, the nurse and his parents walked back into the room.

"How you holding up Jeff?" the kindly nurse asked.

"Erm, pretty good. My ribs are rather sore though" Jeff told her. It was pretty much true. It wasn't just his ribs hurting though.

"Alright. Well, I'll give you some more medication and leave you alone with your parents. I don't think you've had a chance to talk to them since you woke up, have you?" Jeff shook his head, but was internally screaming at her not to leave. She was the only thing preventing his father from screaming abuse at him, as he was sure to the minute she went.

"Okay then" she quickly topped up his meds through the IV in his wrist and stood back. "They should take effect in a bit. I'll be back to check on you later Jeff. Good bye Mr and Mrs Sterling, see you soon Jeff" Jeff's parents murmured their goodbyes and watched the nurse leave the room. As soon as the door swung safely shut behind her, Jeff's dad stepped up beside his sons bedside, a murderous glint in his eyes.

"I cannot believe you fag. After all I said the last time you were here…do you know how many questions I was asked about your injuries? The social worker was here and everything! Being the lawyer I am though, I managed to get away with it and they believe you are just a clumsy dancer who is always falling over." He stopped mid rant, chest heaving. His mother automatically spoke up.

"What do you say to your father Jeffrey?" she asked quietly.

"Th-thank you Father. I won't disobey you again, I promise. I am very sorry for disappointing you and mother" Jeff said quietly, loathing every word he was made to speak.

"Your apology is sweet fag, but I don't think you have quite got the message that you should never, ever end up in this place again" Jeff's father voice was dangerously low and Jeff started to shake and shrunk into the pillow. He knew exactly what his father meant by that statement. The older man laughed sharply. "I see your cottoning on freak. But I'll be nice to you for a bit. I won't…beat you as soon as you get home. Oh no, I'll wait until you least expect it. Come on now Cynthia, let's go home. I can stand to be around the gay much longer" with that he was gone, Jeff's mother following, shooting a guilty glance back at Jeff. He ignored it. Yes, she often felt guilty, but she never did anything about her husband. Jeff hated his mother nearly as much as he did his father.

As the pain medication started to take hold and Jeff started to drift away, all he could think about was how he could never let Nick know the truth, never hurt him with that knowledge. God knows he wanted to tell someone, but telling his best friend would cause the perfect, kind, amazing, talented Warbler. No, Jeff had to keep his secrets just that...secrets.

As the blackness took over once more, Jeff felt a lone tear fall down his cheek.

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_**A/N so hope you enjoyed. Next update should be soon...definitely sometime this week.**_

**_Twould be lovely to know what you thought..._**

**__**I LOVE YOU ALL.


	8. Chapter 8

_**A/N YAYAYA new chappie :D Sorry it's so short, but it wanted to end there...yupp...my stories tend to have a life of their own...annywaay.**  
_

_**Little bit of Nickys POV in this one, begin to see how he feels...and compared to the other chapters, this is practically fluff...so enjoy!**_

_**Disclaimer: You guessed it...not mine! I do however, own season 1&2 on boxset and spent the better part of my weekend watching my way through most of season 1 instead of revising for my science exam...**_

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_Nick POV_

Nick stormed out of the hospital, angry tears cascading down his cheeks, ignoring the worried looks he got from everyone he passed. Furious thoughts were buzzing round his head, stinging him again and again as he recalled the scene in Jeff's hospital room, and even the couple days before hand.

Nick hated himself for not realising how hurt Jeff was sooner, berating himself for not making the blonde Warbler sit out of rehearsals. And the cuts on Jeffs arms…no way were those made by a cat and _books. _Nick wasn't stupid…he knew there was something desperately wrong with his friend…Jeff just wasn't himself anymore. And Nick hated himself for not realising it sooner.

Nick sighed as he leaned against the wall of the hospital and slumped down to the floor. Most of all he hated Jeff for not telling him the truth. The one thing Nick really loathed was people lying to him…and Jeff _knew _that. The brunette couldn't fathom why his best friend couldn't talk to him. They'd told each other everything, ever since they'd met back when they were three. And Nick just didn't know when that had changed. Or why that had changed.

Nick shook his head, trying to rid himself of the unwelcome thoughts. He didn't hate Jeff…he _couldn't _hate Jeff. There was just something about the boy that Nick couldn't pinpoint, but it meant he couldn't stay away from him, even when they were fighting. The brunette groaned. He already missed Jeff…there was nothing for it but grovelling and hoping, _wishing _Jeff would forgive him. Suddenly, Nick couldn't take it anymore. He rested his head on his knees, wrapped his arms around his legs and _sobbed. _Big, heartbreaking sobs that hurt. He cried for himself, he cried for their friendship, but most of all he cried for Jeff and whatever it was the blonde was going through that he felt he couldn't tell Nick.

ATILF ATILF ATILF ATILF ATILF

_Normal POV_

4 days later…

Jeff sighed with happiness as he made his way out of the hospital. He was so glad to be out of that place…he waved goodbye to several nurses, at the same timing promising himself he would never end up back there, no matter how bad things got. It just wasn't worth disappointing his father for.

"JEFF!" the blonde grinned as he heard his best friend yell his name and hobbled slowly over to where he was stood by his car. Nick had come by a couple days ago, apologising profusely. Jeff couldn't not forgive him, especially as he said he'd never bring up the subject of their argument again. The brunette looked at him sympathetically as he walked over.

"Ribs still hurting man?" Jeff grimaced by way of reply and slung his bag in the car, climbing in after.

"Like you wouldn't believe. Walking's never been so painful" he groaned, banging his head against the dashboard. Nick laughed slightly at his friend.

"Take it Warblers rehearsal is out of the picture?" Nick smirked, starting up the car and pulling away. Jeff merely reached over and slapped him, wincing slightly as the motion tugged at his ribs.

"If I had it my way, moving would be out of the picture. Swear down these painkillers do nothing" he joked.

"You are on bed rest for the next week though Jeff. Doctors orders, so you will rest" Nick ordered his friend, the commanding air ruined by the smile on his face. Jeff groaned.

"I'm so bored of lying in bed doing nothing all day already" he whined, knowing it was no use but pushing his luck anyway. Nick glanced over at his friend, a glint in his way.

"But think of all the assignments you get to do now Jeffy…and I have to bring you more everyday" Nick laughed. Jeff slapped him again and ignored him for the rest of the drive, resisting Nicks attempts to get him to talk with a smile on his face.

Soon, far too soon, Nick was pulling up outside Jeffs house and helping him and his bag out of the car. The brunette leaned against his car and scrutinized his best friend.

"Jeff…" he began hesitantly, "Jeffy, if there is anything wrong or you just want to talk, just phone, yeah?" he said softly. Jeff froze, and turned away from his friend, shoulders taut with tension. He stood there for a few long minutes and then nodded his head.

"Course Nicky…I'll see you tomorrow" he breathed quietly, making his way into his house. Nick watched his friend go, his heart sinking in despair in a way he couldn't put a finger on. Watching Jeff go into the house filled him with a dread he didn't know existed, or why it existed. Surely Jeff was safe in his house? Nick knew his parents, they loved Jeff…the brunette shook his head, jumped back into his car and drove to Dalton, his mind full of thoughts of a blonde Warbler.

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_**A/N Soooooo...hope you enjoyed that guys! Next chapter will be up soon...tomorrow, if I remember and get arse in gear and bash it out...**_

_**As always, I would ADORE to hear what you thought...reviews make rainbows and klainebows and that makes Niff happy :D**_

_****_**I LOVE YOU ALL.**


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: Shit. Well, it really has been a while. And I am so genuinely sorry I abandoned this story for so long. And that this filler chapter is so shit. I am an awful person, I am aware of this. If anyone is still interested in this...you have my humblest apologies and I will endeavour to upload a not as shit chapter tomorrow.**

**On with the story I guess.**

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Jeff walked into his house with an intense feeling of dread, his only hope that his parents weren't around yet. He didn't want to have to deal with them when he'd only just got out of hospital.

Thankfully his prayers were answered and he was alone. Well, he wasn't alone because the door was locked, but he could hear snoring coming from the living room. He walked in and sighed. His mother was passed out on the couch. His heart sank slightly. She hadn't been this bad for years...it had been ages since he'd come home to find her passed out on the sofa. He knew she was drinking herself into an early grave, but anything he said to her was just brushed off. He'd long since given up on telling her anything.

Moving over to the sofa, he moved a pillow under her head and pulled a blanket up over her, before dropping a kiss onto her cheek. He stared at her sadly. He still remembered the days when she didn't drink and his father didn't abuse him...the happier days of his childhood. Those were long over though. This was his reality now. Abusive father and drunken mother. He was like some sort of poster child for broken families.

Shaking his head, he headed back out and up to his bedroom. What he really wanted to do was plug his headphones in and exercise, because he hadn't done anything for days now, but he couldn't. He had to rest. It just meant he really couldn't eat a bite, if he wanted to keep the pounds off.

Climbing into bed, he pulled the pile of assignments Nick had brought round onto his lap and flicked through them, choosing to do an English one. Opening his copy of the novel they were studying, To Killl A Mockingbird, he made a start on his essay.

It was probably stupid, but he was kind of envious of Jem and Scout. Yes, they didn't have a mother, but they still had a perfect family life. Jeff would've given nearly anything to have a father like Atticus. Sighing, he pushed the paper aside. He couldn't concentrate. Thoughts of what it must be like to have that ideal family were invading his thoughts.

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**This may be a little hopeful but...reviews?**

**I love and cherish every single one of you.**


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: Look! New chapter! And it's not months afterwards... Be impressed. Anyway, slightly happier with this chapter. Things should start to pick up from here...or rather, break down. But whatever. Enjoy**

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The weeks bedrest passed without anything more than a few insults being thrown Jeff's way. He was left alone for the majority of the day, what with his mother drinking till she passed out and his father at work all day. He was usually alone until school ended, when Nick would come visit him and bring his assignments for the day. They'd spend the evening talking and doing homework until Nick had to get back to Dalton.

It had been pleasant, and made the days go quicker than they otherwise would've done. But Jeff knew this brief respite wouldn't...couldn't last long. Things would soon get back to normal, as much as he wished and hoped and prayed they wouldn't. He was just grateful he had had that chance to have a few normalish days.

All too soon, his ribs felt much better and he was allowed out of bed again. The first thing he did when out of bed was run to the bathroom, feeling disgusted with himself. He'd been fairly slack with himself when he was in bed, even though he knew he shouldn't have been.

Quickly removing his top, he stared at himself in horror in the mirror.

Fat. Ugly. Disgusting.

He couldn't believe how lax he'd let himself be to get into this horrific state. He pinched the fat on his sides, feeling physically ill at how fat he was, how disgusting. He hated himself.

Grabbing his razor from the medicine cabinet, he began slashing blindly at the skin on his stomach, wishing he could just slice the fat itself off. He kept going, almost in a trance, the pain of the razor slicing through skin almost numbing.

He'd missed this.

Eventually he was done, and stood in the middle of the bathroom panting, staring down at his blood covered stomach, feeling a little better than he had done previously, though he was sure it wouldn't last. Sighing, he grabbed his first aid kit and began to clean and bandage the cuts, relishing the existence of each and everyone.

He promised himself the next morning he would be back on his strict exercise and studying regime.

He had to. He'd slacked off enough, he couldn't afford not to get back on it. Not if he wanted to be perfect.

Not if he wanted Nick.

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**A/N: Hope you enjoyed. Next chapter sooon. Reviews would be wonderful xD**


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N I am an awful person and have no excuses for being this crap and not uploading. I've just been dealing with some...stuff, and this has been particularly hard to write, but I promise...I promise I will try and upload more frequently.**

The next morning started with Jeff's alarm clock blaring into the early morning silence of precisely 5am. He awoke with a start, sitting bolt upright and slamming the snooze button. He held his sore stomach and sat quietly, listening to make sure he hadn't woken anyone else up. Satisfied, Jeff carefully rolled out of bed, the new cuts on his stomach throbbing. It was a good throbbing though. It reminded him of his promise to himself.

That promise in the front of his mind, Jeff stripped down to his boxers and began running through his morning exercise regime, his ribs still hurting a little, but it was nothing he couldn't handle. Exercising again after those few days in bed was such a good feeling for the blonde. All too soon, the hour had flown by and he had to start getting ready for school.

By 7:50am, Jeff had made it to school and met a worried looking Nick at the front doors. Jeff had texted him before he'd left, informing him he was coming back to school, and Nick hadn't been entirely happy about it. Jeff offered him a tired smile as the brunette opened his mouth to speak.

"Are you sure this is a sensible idea?" he questioned, looking at Jeff with one eyebrow raised. "You only got out of bed for the first time yesterday, a couple more days rest would probably be good for you" Jeff merely shrugged.

"Being at home is boring, I'd rather be here. Besides, finals are coming up soon and I can't afford to miss anymore lessons" he explained briefly. Nick nodded, knowing how important the exams were.

"Alright, but the minute you feel weak or light headed or your ribs hurt or anything, you have to tell me and we'll go to the nurse" Nick insisted, and Jeff nodded, too tired to argue with the boy. Satisfied, Nick took Jeff's arm and led him in to their first lesson.

The day passed fairly quickly. Jeff didn't pay much attention in any of his lessons, but the teachers seemed to either not notice or not care. Being at school, away from the safety and security of being able to exercise when he wanted and use his blade when he needed was making him more agitated than it used to, and it was taking all of his concentration to stay in Dalton, and not run home. Jeff knew Nick had noticed his distracted state, but couldn't bring himself to care. Not anymore. Nick knew there was something going on with Jeff, but didn't know what, and as long as it stayed like that, Jeff didn't care what his best friend noticed.

As soon as Warbler rehearsal was done with (Jeff hadn't been allowed to participate, just sit down and sing) he fled from the room, ignoring the worried glances the Warblers, especially Nick, gave him. He knew they'd be talking about him as soon as he left but he didn't care about that either. Nick would never tell them about the scars and they could only guess at what was wrong. With a bit of luck, they'd never find out about the abuse, or the cutting, or the starving.

As soon as Jeff made it home he ran straight past his passed out mother and into his bathroom, grabbing his razor and blindly slicing at his arm, the instant relief washing over him in a haze of pain, slowly fading into numbness.

This was what he needed, not school, or Nick, or anything.

Just himself, the blade, and his exercise regime. He would be perfect.

**A/N Love you all**


	12. An apology

Hey guys,

So first off I want to thank you all for being amazing readers, and I love you all for reading my little fic. I always planned to finish this, but recently I've been struggling with some personal problems of my own, similar to what Jeff is going through without the bullying and abusive parents, just the self harm and anorexic tendencies, which has made writing any updates to this fic really hard, and I apologise that there has been no updates. I know I have quite a few readers, and I'm sorry I never said anything before, but I always wanted to push through my own problems and get out an update, but it is proving too hard, so this fic is on a sort of hiatus. I will keep it up and ticking over, and may start writing it again some day, but who knows.

Again, I am really sorry. If you do enjoy my writing, feel free to sling prompts my way, either over PM, or on tumblr. I also have a few more fics up on tumblr. My tumblr name is **dreamer-dancer-writer,** if anyone was interested. I just won't take prompts that involve eating disorders or self harm for a while.

Stay wonderful xoxox


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